You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
