Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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