alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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