everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
