she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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