She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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