Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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