So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
