im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
