Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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