I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
