If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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