I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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