turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
