She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i dont even know how to be here
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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