I can tuck mytits in my pants
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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