If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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