i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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