so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
soo... how was my night?
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