Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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