She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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