I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
