UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
