cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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