Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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