Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Randomize
