when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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