You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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