Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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