have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
