Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
