Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
