My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
