"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
