what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
