I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize