I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
