i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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