Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
