i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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