Need sex. Gaining weight.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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