And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
