i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
