All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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