do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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