he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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