party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
