What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
