i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize