My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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