At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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