even my farts smell like vagina
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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