part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
