I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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