meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize